Ciro's Restaurant: A lot of #1 and #2. Mostly #2.

THE GOOD The beer is cold, the chips and free avocado salsa rock. The salsa roja is hot and tasty. The service here is outstanding. No problems here. There are things that cannot be fucked up here like the flautas, and the chorizo and egg burrito. The flautas here are the gold standard, thin, crisp taquitos with a little bit of shredded beef with avocado salsa, and crema. Unfortunately, they do not compensate for overall poor quality of the food they served to me the last couple of times I came in. THE BAD The quality of the food here is going downhill pretty quick. The steak picado used to be pretty damn good. Not the last couple of times I have been here. Instead of steak, I was served sinew fried with onions and peppers. The cheese in the enchilada plate is not melted. Please put them back in the oven and serve them when they are ready. THE FUGLY Fuck nostalgia when you order a fried taco plate and there is enough grease on the plate to lube your car. The cook here needs to lift the fucking basket up from the deep fryer and drain the lard from the goddamn tacos before he puts them on the plate. This place gets nearly 3 stars, almost as good as El Tepeyac across the street, but not quite.

Roscoe's House of Chicken and Attitude

The chicken and waffles here are good, but what really sets this place apart is the fucked up service. I don't want to spend my money tipping people that clearly do not like me. Give me fried chicken, but let me keep my dignity.

Miller Brewing Company

Miller, the embalming fluid of beers, ought to be ashamed of themselves for sponsoring the Tools For Success Graduation award in our local community college automobile programs for several reasons. Firstly, the Miller Brewing Company produces dangerous, sub-standard products that contribute to numerous automobile accidents on a daily basis. Miller Beer is involved in hundreds if not thousands of automobile collisions every year and many of them are fatal. Alcohol manufacturers and automobile technology and repair should be mutually exclusive. Instead, we should force the alcoholic beverage industry to retrofit every existing automobile with an ignition interlock device and force the automotive industry to make this a standard feature on all new cars. Secondly, Miller targets the Tools for Success program at Latinos. Alcohol is simply a poison for people who are mestizo or indigenous with almost no exceptions, instantly addicting and frequently fatal. It is a terrible idea to drink any alcohol whatsoever if you are of Mexican descent. It is clearly a genetic condition that does not allow us to drink alcohol in moderation and without horrible consequences like other people. Miller should be ashamed of giving free tools away, and the winners should be ashamed of taking them. It is like targeting a group of people who are at risk of cancer and giving them a catalyst. Finally, community colleges are not an appropriate advertising platform for alcoholic beverages or other mind altering drugs. If anything, it should be a platform for educating people about the dangers of alcohol. Public schools should not participate in the program or allow Miller to distribute applications and paraphernalia with the Miller logo to its students or set up displays on campus. I know that it may seem like a big great philanthropic deal to have an alcohol manufacturer award a full cabinet of tools to an outstanding graduate of an automotive technology program, but if you consider it for a while, I am sure you can see how deceptive Miller truly is.

Mac Arthur Park

Yesterday, I ordered the legendary #19 at Langer's and opted to walk back to Koreatown instead of using public transportation. I headed up Alvarado, and then West on Wilshire. Over the course of my walk, I was overwhelmed with a sudden deluge of memories from my childhood. As I looked at the dilapidated roof of what used to be the boathouse, I remembered fondly how in the early 1970's my dad used to take me and my brothers here to rent paddle boats. I remembered the other business like Edwards Steakhouse, and the Westlake Theater before it was converted into a filthy and depressing indoor swapmeet. I vividly remember when the American Cement Building was occupied with a public relations firm instead of assorted loft owners that are too terrified to even take their dogs outside to shit and will not even walk over to the subway. Well, by that time, the area was already in a state of decline, but not even close to what was going to happen in the 80's. At one time, this had been a pretty highbrow area. The Park Plaza Hotel, The Bryson, Otis Parsons, and the former Sheraton Town House testify to the area's former glory. But it kind of reminds me today of Chernobyl. Our family boat rides preceded rock cocaine, false documents, and U.S. military interventions in Guatemala, El Salvador, and Nicaragua. But when I walked by yesterday, I realized that the foundation of the park is still there. The palm trees still thrive and the lake could easily be restored to its former glory. It is a tragedy that children no longer can enjoy those magical paddle boats that once graced the lake. The area clearly offers one of the very best views of the Downtown Skyline and with a Metro Station and the largest concentration of apartments in any area west of the Mississippi. Massive public investment is sorely needed immediately here for urban renewal. The area has been ignored far too long. Why the City of Los Angeles surrendered this park to the chickenshit criminals that occupy it today is incomprehensible to me. If I were the City Attorney, I would take my fat incompetent ass and focus on cleaning up this area instead of feebly attempting to seek higher office and jousting with medical marijuana dispensaries.

Musso and Frank's Grill

If nostalgia means puking up gin a few hours after you leave this place along with some partially digested toast points, then you are gonna get a hefty dose of nostalgia here. If you do not drink alcohol, and frown on the food available at the Circus Circus Buffet in Reno served by waiters in red monkey suits then you will not want to drop one hundred bucks on Welsh Rarebit. With that said, Mario the bartender will expertly facilitate your drunkening with a martini by which all martinis should be judged. You can close your eyes and inhale the stench of this old carpet, and you can almost picture W.C. Fields pissing on your leg in the bathroom or Gloria Swanson trying to grab your wiener at the bar.

A Pity Fuck at the UCLA Department of Hematology and Oncology

Cancer is something that most people try to block from their mind, and avoid contemplating entirely. A most unpleasant topic, indeed, and I guess that is why nobody has reviewed this place yet. Lymphomas and other blood cancers are becoming far more common than they were in the past, with new Non- Hodgkin's Lymphoma diagnoses escalating to the tune of 50,000 new cases per year with about 25,000 fatalities in the US alone. Even if you wish to bury your head in the sand like a big, fat, stupid ostrich, chances are you or someone you know will develop a malignancy, possibly one involving your precious bodily fluids. So you had best plan ahead. One day, you can be riding pretty high on the hog, sitting poolside, planning your Friday dinner with the wife, and spending your money like a Gulf Arab in Amsterdam. Another day, lady fortune can spin the wheel and perhaps you will find yourself on the other end of the phone as the doctor tells you that the biopsy came back and that you have an unusual cancer and that you are probably not going to live very long. Wrap up your financial affairs, they might advise, and say goodbye to your friends and family. It is surreal how that phone call will sound. It almost feels like they are talking to someone else but the words have to go through your ear first. It is kind of like the first episode of Breaking Bad when Walt is sitting in his doctor's office getting the bad news. But don't fret. First, light up a fat joint and then go out to a fine dinner. Order an extra starter and get that dessert. Turn on Laurel and Hardy and the Three Stooges. Keep your sense of humor, and don't lose your zest for life for one moment. Your mental health is probably equally as important as your physical health. Thank your lucky stars that you live in Los Angeles which is home to the finest cancer treatment centers in the world. City of Hope, Keck-USC, Cedars, and there are many others too. If you have Lymphoma, however, you want to go to UCLA and see Dr. Lauren Pinter-Brown. She is at the top of her game, and is the director of the Lymphoma program at this fine college. You will be in good hands here. Since it is a teaching hospital, the interns and residents will be taking a close look at you. You might be able to get one of the students to take pity on your cancer riddled ass and allow you to stuff their holes.

Pink's Hot Dogs

Getting food here is like being assaulted with a deli weapon. It should be codified in the California Penal Code as a felony. It is absolutely reckless, just insidious to serve this fecal matter to people. Landmark my ass. More like skidmark.