Sam's Hofbrau - A Nice Place to Lose a Leg or Two or Three

Having worked in the Pico Union neighborhood for the past fifteen years, I had often wondered where all of the street prostitutes working James M. Wood Blvd. went to retire. Well, after discovering Sam's Hofbrau, I finally found my answer. I find the sex industry to be pretty repulsive. Once you have seen one trashy skank that smells like tobacco smoke, rancid panocha, alcohol, and halitosis you have seen em all. But this is more than a puke-stained club filled with defective sex workers. It is a monument to filth and bad taste that serves up cheap beer, BBQ beef sandwiches, chili dogs, and haunting images that your mind will never erase. Violence can easily break out at this place. Be cautious. Alas, I am not daring enough to eat here. Sam, you have an odd sense of humor, but I likes you anyway.

El Parian and Corn Tortilla Art

This restaurant is the closest you will get in LA to a typical Mexican lunch joint in Jalisco, where my lovely wife happens to be from. My office is around the corner, and I can tell you that in the 10+ years I have been eating here, the quality has been consistently wonderful, the waitresses and owners friendly, and the beer ice-cold. When you walk in, take a look at that woman making corn tortillas from scratch. Those tortillas are going to arrive at your table piping hot, ready to be rolled up with beef, pork or goat just like at the real El Parian restaurant in Tlaqepaque, Jalisco. And the food is just as good! I think it is most appropriate to begin with the goat, or birria del chivo, because it is hands down, the best dish on the menu. The full order is not too much, and it is possible to tell the waitress what part of the goat you want just like in Mexico. I like the rack and ribs myself, and usually order it with the consomme on the side. The goat is slow cooked in the oven, smothered in chili and garlic, and basted with the pan juices. It has a more pronounced flavor than lamb, somewhat more gamy, but just delicious. Because of my middle age and concerns about my health, I try to eat red meat a couple of times a month at most. Funny, even though I can afford a prime dry aged steak at Nick and Stef's, I would prefer a serving of goat from here any day of the week. I scoop up the meat in a homemade corn tortilla, put a little of the vinegar-based chili sauce and onions on top, and dip it in the consomme. It is awesome and they will bring you endless consomme. I do wish they had the cabeza del chivo, but no luck so far.

The asada plate is a nice piece of marinated strip steak cooked on the charbroiler to order served with beans, rice, and pico de gallo. It is a delicious piece of meat, and is enough for 2 people as a main course. I think that you should order it medium well. It is enough for at least ten tacos. Top quality indeed.

Carnitas are competent, but at times a bit greasy. One full order is huge and my only complaint would be that they don't have the entire pig, it is just the shoulder or the leg. I like the trompa, lengua, costillas, and cuerito. They don't have it here, but if you like carnitas, these ones kick ass. They are crispy, and well seasoned and one order gets you 10 tacos. It is a good deal.

Finally, if you are into menudo and pozole, the ones here are just like your Mexican mother in law makes every time there is a party. The menudo is Jalisco style, meaning no hominy. Order it con pata, and they will put a pig's foot in your bowl. Highly recommended. Pozole will come with tostadas and vegetables, and is loaded with meat.

They will serve you as much beer as you want unless you act like an asshole. I suggest that you have a bottle of ice-cold Bohemia in your hand for the entire meal. It makes me truly happy to see non-Spanish speaking people eating here instead of El Torito and other places where the cooks shit on a plate and call it Mexican food.

Wholesale Bro Fish - LA Fish Company 4th and Stanford

I feel very sorry for this company given that a large portion of their wonderful seafood used to come from Japan. But as the other reviews attest, this is one of the finest places for any great chef who knows their FRESH seafood. How fresh is the fish? Pretty fucking fresh. It is because of the confidence they have in the freshness of their product that it is all there on ice for you to inspect, smell, feel, and buy.

Having worked at a Japanese restaurant for a few years, I am readily familiar with selecting fresh seafood. You are going to want to look at the eyes, gills, and the color. You are going to want to pick up the fish, if possible, and smell it. If you know nothing about fish, the excellent staff here will be happy to assist you.

This is a wonderful place to bring your well behaved children who are interested in cooking. It is truly exciting to see a 200 LB Tuna on the cutting board and something that I would have given an eye tooth for as a child. Keep in mind, though, that this is primarily a commercial place, so don't bring your kids if they are little shit asses.

I usually purchase Pacific fish from the closest place possible. Some of my favorites include the various rockfish species, corvina from Santa Barbara and the Channel Islands, Scorpion Fish, California Halibut, Albacore, Mahi Mahi,. and Yellowtail. I have never been disappointed here.

When you come in, they will tell you what species of fish are on the ice and invite you to inspect them. There is also a white board in the first room with all the processed fish and frozen seafood in stock and the prices. There is a price/product list on the internet or available at the window. When you are ready, tell the guy what you want and have him cut it for you if you wish. Then go to the window and pay. Your stuff will be placed in a box with ice for the ride home. Keep in mind that you have to buy the whole fish. They will not sell you a pound or two unless you get filets.

The Salvadorean Contribution to World Cuisine

I bet a lot of people go to eat at Salvadorean Restaurants because they may sound exotic. Sadly, the Salvadorean contribution to world cuisine, the pupusa, is a tasteless hockey puck of griddle cooked masa with cheese and pork skin that could easily be used to fill a pothole. A good pupusa is not even as good as a bad homemade tortilla! I have been to El Salvador previously, and if you are at Playa La Libertad ordering fish and lobster fresh out of the water and washing it down with cold Supremas, you are eating the very best food available in this little country. The comida tipica, which you will get at El Migueleno and most other Salvadorean restaurants however, is terribly bland and disappointing. A typical Salvadorean meal consists of lard fried plantains, refried black beans, cream, pupusas, curtido and some Pollo Campero if you are lucky. It is a nice meal, I suppose, if you have to fuel up for the day. I could go on and on about how bad the food is, and how bad it is in most of Central America in general, but at least the beer is cold and the people are wonderful.

Finally, while I jest about Salvadorean food, I feel that the people of El Salvador are fantastic and courageous and feel that Los Angeles is lucky that so many people from El Salvador have come here over the years. Overwhelmingly, the Salvadorean people that I have met are friendly, hard working, resilient, tolerant, and gracious. They are also very brave and have overcome civil war which testifies to that courage. I have visited El Salvador, and can attest that the places that I went were unforgettable. I reject any talk of racism towards my Salvadorean brothers and sisters and I am only poking gentle fun at the pupusa.

Polygamist Pussy and Picking the Park Clean

This morning, I went for a run in Griffith Park and during my descent, I encountered a group of 400 Mormons in the picnic area near Ferndale. They were all preparing to remove litter from our beloved park. It was really touching to me. Bless them. I don't see too many other groups of any kind organizing to clean the pizza boxes, cigarette butts, plastic bottles and dog shit off these magnificent trails in this oasis from the boobery of Los Angeles proper. But in addition to giving a helping hand to a park in need, I can attest that the Mormon neighbors that I have had were all stand up people. This country was founded by three groups of people: convicts, religious malcontents, and people who had pretty much burned things out in their countries of origin or enslaved by them. Every time I hear someone say something negative about Romney and or the Mormons, may I remind you that the talking snake in Genesis is equally strange as anything that the Mormons or any other religious group believes. Don't call the kettle black. Also, it may do you some good to abstain from alcohol periodically. And tobacco. And it might also be a good idea to have some real family time. Maybe you too could set aside some time with your wives and have a rad four-way. And maybe your church, temple or mosque could go clean up our park once in a while.

Fuck Pfizer

Pfizer manufactures substances which: 1) are not safe for human consumption 2) make tens of thousands of people choke on their own vomit 3) cause physical dependency 4) cause mental anguish 5) get the full approval of the Federal Government 6) generate hundreds of millions of dollars in profits annually

This review is specifically for Xanax. While most people that take them will not develop a full blown addiction, others may quickly become zombies and eventually overdose. Most Xanax addicts are poly drug abusers, but Xanax is by far the most insidious drug in their routine. Want to stop? Good luck. Do you want to spin the roulette wheel?

This week, another close friend lost her life and I am confident that the Coroner will determine that Xanax was the cause of her death. She probably got her first prescription back in the early 90's. Within a couple of years, her anxiety persisted, the bizarre behavior increased, there were brushes with the law, attempts to dry out, and was always back to taking huge quantities of these pills. Being one of the 10 most popular prescription drugs in the US, it is not a difficult task to get almost any doctor to write you a prescription. She enlisted a lot of unsuspecting doctors in three different counties to get a lot of pills. It was easy and cheap, and ultimately deadly. And her insurance company paid for it all. I want to reiterate that it never worked for anxiety at all but it was the proximate cause of death of a unique person, one who a lot of people cared about, who we have lost forever.

If you have anxiety or lack happiness in life, a pill is ultimately not going to help you. Xanax has no medical value whatsoever, and Pfizer knows this. But hey, it sure is profitable. As long as everyone is getting their beak wet, they are going to continue to manufacture this poison.

Z Plane, Boss; Peacocks, Peacunts, and Flowers

Oh boy, do I love the Arboretum. Sunset Magazine has some of its test gardens here, and while lately it seems paper thin, I still enjoy reading the articles and it makes me proud to be from the West. The greenhouses here are awesome, as are the succulents, roses, and the landscape architecture in general. Flowers sing to me. Especially while shrooming. Their petals, pistils, and stamen overwhelm my brain and then my body with waves of happiness and tranquility. The greenhouses with the tropical plants with the necessary temperature and humidity controlled environment is one of my very favorite places to while away the hours.

The fountains at the entrance are serene even when it is hot enough outside to cook an egg on the sidewalk. Fantasy Island, a coke-fueled B television series from the 1970's had its opening scene filmed here. Despite starring as Mr. Roark in an absurd TV show, and a villain on Star Trek, Ricardo Montalban attended our church, The Church of the Good Shepherd, and was a very decent gentleman. He always had time to greet me and extend his hand in genuine friendship. I think what happened to Herve Villechaize is terribly sad. The only midget I know is this little asshole named Leroy. If I weren't such a high class motherfucker I would punt him like a goddamn football.

The peacocks are dazzling, and your kids are going to love them unless they are wankers or videogame addicted shitasses. In the Spring, there is an insect exhibition where all kinds of specimens are on display. If insects and their relationship to human society fascinate you, then you should not miss this show. There is a small admission charge, and there are plants on sale at very reasonable prices.