A Pity Fuck at the UCLA Department of Hematology and Oncology

Cancer is something that most people try to block from their mind, and avoid contemplating entirely. A most unpleasant topic, indeed, and I guess that is why nobody has reviewed this place yet. Lymphomas and other blood cancers are becoming far more common than they were in the past, with new Non- Hodgkin's Lymphoma diagnoses escalating to the tune of 50,000 new cases per year with about 25,000 fatalities in the US alone. Even if you wish to bury your head in the sand like a big, fat, stupid ostrich, chances are you or someone you know will develop a malignancy, possibly one involving your precious bodily fluids. So you had best plan ahead. One day, you can be riding pretty high on the hog, sitting poolside, planning your Friday dinner with the wife, and spending your money like a Gulf Arab in Amsterdam. Another day, lady fortune can spin the wheel and perhaps you will find yourself on the other end of the phone as the doctor tells you that the biopsy came back and that you have an unusual cancer and that you are probably not going to live very long. Wrap up your financial affairs, they might advise, and say goodbye to your friends and family. It is surreal how that phone call will sound. It almost feels like they are talking to someone else but the words have to go through your ear first. It is kind of like the first episode of Breaking Bad when Walt is sitting in his doctor's office getting the bad news. But don't fret. First, light up a fat joint and then go out to a fine dinner. Order an extra starter and get that dessert. Turn on Laurel and Hardy and the Three Stooges. Keep your sense of humor, and don't lose your zest for life for one moment. Your mental health is probably equally as important as your physical health. Thank your lucky stars that you live in Los Angeles which is home to the finest cancer treatment centers in the world. City of Hope, Keck-USC, Cedars, and there are many others too. If you have Lymphoma, however, you want to go to UCLA and see Dr. Lauren Pinter-Brown. She is at the top of her game, and is the director of the Lymphoma program at this fine college. You will be in good hands here. Since it is a teaching hospital, the interns and residents will be taking a close look at you. You might be able to get one of the students to take pity on your cancer riddled ass and allow you to stuff their holes.

Pink's Hot Dogs

Getting food here is like being assaulted with a deli weapon. It should be codified in the California Penal Code as a felony. It is absolutely reckless, just insidious to serve this fecal matter to people. Landmark my ass. More like skidmark.

La Tiendita

The only way I think I could ever enjoy myself in San Clemente is if most of the people that lived there committed auto erotic suicide. Especially the Christians. As for the children of San Clemente, stop it with the heroin and the Xanax, already before you choke on your own vomit. There is nothing "cool" about that. You have not even finished High School yet. Now on to this little store. I used to have a weekend home pretty close by this place and found myself eating here frequently. My neighbor was Darryl Gates. Imagine that. While the burritos consist of a lot of food, they do not include any quality ingredients. For certain, you are going to get a football sized mass of shit wrapped in a tortilla for under $5.00 and it is going to fill you up until you can get to a town with a real Mexican restaurant (17 miles North of here in Santa Ana). Caution: do not order a fish burrito here. It is a good place to take a bunch of hungry teenagers to eat if you are sick of In n Out Burger and unable to leave this culinary/cultural wasteland. To be fair, the people that work here are pretty nice. A nice destination if you want to get into a bar fight, San Clemente is.

El Migueleno

I bet a lot of people go to eat at Salvadorean Restaurants because they may sound exotic. Sadly, the Salvadorean contribution to world cuisine, the pupusa, is a tasteless hockey puck of griddle cooked masa with cheese and pork skin that could easily be used to fill a pothole. A good pupusa is not even as good as a bad homemade tortilla! I have been to El Salvador previously, and if you are at Playa La Libertad ordering fish and lobster fresh out of the water and washing it down with cold Supremas, you are eating the very best food available in this little country. The comida tipica, which you will get at El Migueleno and most other Salvadorean restaurants however, is terribly bland and disappointing. A typical Salvadorean meal consists of lard fried plantains, refried black beans, cream, pupusas, curtido and some Pollo Campero if you are lucky. It is a nice meal, I suppose, if you have to fuel up for the day. I could go on and on about how bad the food is, and how bad it is in most of Central America in general, but the beer is cold and the people are wonderful.

Sam's Hofbrau

Having worked in the Pico Union neighborhood for the past fifteen years, I had often wondered where all of the street prostitutes working James M. Wood Blvd. went to retire. Well, after discovering Sam's Hofbrau, I finally found my answer. I find the sex industry to be pretty repulsive. Once you have seen one trashy skank that smells like tobacco smoke, rancid panocha, alcohol, and halitosis you have seen em all. But this is more than a puke-stained club filled with defective sex workers. It is a monument to filth and bad taste that serves up cheap beer, BBQ beef sandwiches, chili dogs, and haunting images that your mind will never erase. Violence can easily break out at this place. Be cautious. Alas, I am not daring enough to eat here. Sam, you have an odd sense of humor, but I likes you anyway.

Father's Office

If there is one thing that makes my blood boil, it is the people that come here and put their brittle, chapped lips on a beer glass, take a drink, and say how the burger here is the best burger they have ever tasted when these morons refuse to bring you ketchup. What is the matter with the owner of this place? Is this guy missing a chromosome or something? A hamburger without ketchup? Well, I think that it is up to me to decide whether or not I want to put ketchup on my fucking hamburger. So I brought a squeeze bottle of Heinz Ketchup for my burger and fries. Pretty good burger and fries. Nice white sauce with the fries. Of course, I covered them in ketchup, and without it, I would have thought, where is the fucking ketchup? I liked the arugula, and the onions, and the meat. The bun was okay. The beer selection here is very well thought out. No complaints here. The feeling that I am sitting in a factory courtyard with a bunch of former fraternity and sorority people makes me want to take a rape shower when I get home. Who died and made this asshole the determiner of burger free will. Motherfucker, please! People thought this was:

Sweet Lady Jane Bakery

I see a lot of fuckers coming in here cramming luscious cake into their cake holes, with their collagen injected lips thinking they are eating the best sweets on the West Coast. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed every single solitary slice of cake that I have ever ordered from this place but I am not jumping on the excessive admiration bandwagon here. My favorites are the cocoanut, and the orange cake, hands down. The coffee is also very good. But supposing that you or a close relative have kitchen competency, access to good ingredients and can follow a recipe, a cake from your own kitchen is going to taste a hell of a lot better than the slice you are going to buy here. And believe me, you are going to pay out of the ass here.