Z Plane, Boss

Oh boy, do I love the Arboretum. Sunset Magazine has some of its test gardens here, and while lately it seems paper thin, I still enjoy reading the articles and it makes me proud to be from the West. The greenhouses here are awesome, as are the succulents, roses, and the landscape architecture in general. Flowers sing to me. Especially while shrooming. Their petals, pistils, and stamen overwhelm my brain and then my body with waves of happiness and tranquility. The greenhouses with the tropical plants with the necessary temperature and humidity controlled environment is one of my very favorite places to while away the hours. The fountains at the entrance are serene even when it is hot enough outside to cook an egg on the sidewalk. Fantasy Island, a coke-fueled B television series from the 1970's had its opening scene filmed here. Despite starring as Mr. Roark in an absurd TV show, and a villain on Star Trek, Ricardo Montalban attended our church, The Church of the Good Shepherd, and was a very decent gentleman. He always had time to greet me and extend his hand in genuine friendship. I think what happened to Herve Villechaize is terribly sad. The only midget I know is this little asshole named Leroy. If I weren't such a high class motherfucker I would punt him like a goddamn football. The peacocks are dazzling, and your kids are going to love them unless they are wankers or videogame addicted shitasses. In the Spring, there is an insect exhibition where all kinds of specimens are on display. If insects and their relationship to human society fascinate you, then you should not miss this show. There is a small admission charge, and there are plants on sale at very reasonable prices.

Can You Tell me How to Get to the Benny Hill Museum?

Virgin Atlantic 5758 W Century Blvd Los Angeles, CA 90045 (310) 215-4345 I decided to visit England a little while ago. I had always been a great admirer of Benny Hill, the most influential Brit of the 20th Century, and I got a good deal on my ticket. The English people seemed pretty friendly. It is too bad that their government consents to being our pet poodle. When I got to London, I dedided to take a little trip over to Brixton. It seemed remarkably similar to one of our own marginalized areas, but I felt safer walking around because fewer people and their mothers carry firearms. I decided to buy some weed, but did not have any references. I asked a friendly bloke, and he told me to head up this street until I reached a pub named "The Plug", at which point I was to make a right and continue walking until I reached the Green Leaf Cafe. He told me to go in and order a Coke from the black geezer inside, and they would know what I came in for. I followed the directions, and arrived at the cafe and ordered the beverage like the guy told me. The guy opened a kettle on the counter, and showed me the merchandise. It was a little steep for 20 fucking quid, but when in Rome. I got to visit the British Museum, and wound up taking three days there alone. The other museums that I visited, such as the National Portrait Gallery and the Tate Modern were awesome as well. I also visited the Tower of London, and Buckingham Palace. That Royal Family is ugly as fuck. If I had all that princely money, I would buy a new face and new hair color. I have no idea what the obsession with these inbred fucks is all about, but it was interesting to see the palace and crown jewels. I thought the cost of food in London was highway robbery. The best deal that you are going to find on food is at the Kensington Farmer's Market. You can get a big sandwich for 2 pounds. Shawerma in Notting Hill is awesome too. As to Virgin Atlantic, all I can say is that I took a smorgasborg of pills before I got on the plane, when I woke up mid-flight, and the balance when I arrived at Heathrow. I have no idea what transpired while we were flying across the pond. But it must have been okay, becuase they were not waiting for me with handcuffs at the terminal. People thought your review was: Useful 4, Funny 5,

Los Angeles Palm

The Palm 1100 S Flower Street Los Angeles, CA 90015 (213) 763-4600 There are a few good items on the menu here such as the lobster bisque, hash browns, sauteed spinach, and perhaps the Gigi Salad. The steaks are slabs of prime beef devoid of seasoning and are priced high enough to make you void your bowels. As for the lobster, if you are a member of the Palm Club, they will send you a coupon halving the price. It is simply grilled lobster. Nothing more, and nothing less. The guy cooking it does not deserve a medal or anything. In fact, if you can light a BBQ and use a knife to slice a lobster that you purchased from the 99 Ranch Market in half, then you can make the same lobster dinner in your own backyard for about $80.00 cheaper. Take a look at all of those assholes with their caricatures on the wall! I would not want to have anything to do with any of them. Ditto with the pumped up heels in the bar area. Famous people, with the exception of Merle Haggard, I do not care to mingle with under any circumstances. This Palm has the same shit on the menu but is far inferior to the West Hollywood location which has a much better ambiance. Both Palms are great places to take out of town relatives, especially if they hail from a hick town like Arbuckle or Red Bluff. Your cousin will never forget the time you took him here and he saw Jean Claude Van Damme doing rails on the urinal.

Raytheon: one of the most deadly companies on earth

Raytheon 235 Wyman St Waltham, MA 02451 (781) 290-0472 When Obama and the rest of the jokers in the military industrial complex decide that they are going to undertake a great humanitarian mission in the Middle East or Southeast Asia, the Raytheon Company, producers of the Tomahawk Missile, will surely reap the benefits of "liberation" and "freedom". The Tomahawk is an all weather cruise missile that is used as a first strike weapon whenever Moe, Larry, and Curly hunker down in the war room and decide to draw another line in the sand. Whoop Whoop. Nyuck Nyuck. Each Tomahawk costs $1.5 Million Dollars. They would have to fire quite a few of these to show those "terrorists" that we are serious. At least enough so that Raytheon, with almost a 25 BILLION dollar revenue in 2012 can exceed it's wildest expectations in 2013. In my short life I have learned that things go far smoother when you shower people with kindness instead of cruise missiles. Shame on all of you otherwise talented engineers who squander your brains to foster death.

El Sangrante Picante

El Sangrante Picante 11th and Union, 90015 Some people say the best carnitas are sold at the truck outside of Shatto Lanes. Some people say that carnitas are all the same. But I know where the carnitas are not lame. El Sangrante Picante. Located on the Southwest corner of 11th and Union, this is clearly the best taco truck I have ever had the pleasure of eating at. The Vampiro here is the Vampiro by which all Vampiros should be judged. It is a true delight, even if you are a big Beaver Dracula. I talked to the owner/cook and he told me that his cousin drives all the way out to Riverside a couple of times per week to pick up a "special" pig that they use to make the carnitas. For the last two weeks of it's life, they feed it a secret diet of "sustainable protein" and beer until it is ready to slaughter. Then, they render it, buche and all, in a big copper kettle and use imported Hinoki wood to make the fire. That combination of special feed and copper kettle make this one exquisite pig who died for a good reason. As the old saying goes, "Hinoki wood is better than hokey wood!" So stuff your taco with porky goodness and douse it with the outstanding green tomatillo sauce with just a hint of fresh epazote. You never finished pork this fast and sloppy since high school. If you are of above average weight and girth, there is an all you can eat option available for $24.00. I know more than a few people who may take advantage of this great deal. I even know one such guy on Yelp who is probably going to write a shitty rap song about it. Get there early because they only cook one pig at a time and it tends to run out pretty quickly. The salsas are all exemplary. The habanero salsa is especially nice. They even give you a free side of pinto beans served in a styrene foam cup similar to the ones served at Mexicali Tacos but with the addition of chorizo made from the special pig. But wait, if you are a vegetarian, they have bloody clam ceviche made with soy clams. Tell the guy at the window "soy almeja" and they will dish it up. Tell them "bien caliente" and point to your belly if you want it extra spicy. Much better than La Cevicheria, but without that annoying sonofabitch that can't keep his pie hole shut. It just doesn't get any better than this. You can get a bootleg video of Matt Damon in Elysium from a guy who's breath smells like mothballs. You can even get a Hello Kitty blanket or a $20.00 rock without any references whatsoever. You can brown bag your fifth quart of Papsmear Blue Ribbon and no one is going to trip. Drinking proletarian brew makes one a Bohemian as does burning a candle in an empty Chianti bottle. It is a real carnival atmosphere. At least it was when I came here. Usually, I don't eat at taco trucks because I don't want to pick up ascaris, but there is something about these people that I trust. Carne asada here makes El Taurino look like Del Fucking Taco bro. The carnitas here are even better than Freebird's. Sadly, there is no special pig. All of those things I described in the above paragraphs are granfaloons. There is no soy anything or any seafood for that matter. As it turns out, this is just a regular, run of the mill taco trailer. It is not even a truck. They sure are good, though!

Sand Dune Park and Cocksucking Relatives

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Dude, the Nuart

Nuart Theater 11272 Santa Monica Blvd Los Angeles, CA 90025 (310) 473-8530 The Hays Code kept explicit sex, foul language, overt drug use, and crime without legal consequences from the silver screen for many years. It was a big deal back then to call Burt Lancaster a Wop in the film entitled The Young Savages. In Double Indemnity, things did not turn out so well for Fred MacMurray who found himself punished pretty severely for his participation in a homicide and insurance fraud. When Frank Sinatra portrayed heroin addict Frankie Machine in The Man With the Golden Arm, it created quite a bit of outrage as it was the first time hard drugs had been featured in a film since the 1920's. It was this film that marked the beginning of the end for self-censorship by the motion picture industry. From this point forward, things quickly transitioned to midget gangbang porn. John Waters Pink Flamingos took what was left of the Hays Code and vomited on it. The film portrayed cannibalism, chicken fucking, dog shit eating, and starred the fantastic transvestite, Divine, the awesome Mink Stole, and the one and only Edith Massey. I laughed so hard in my entire life the first time I saw this film at the Nuart, I almost fell on the floor. It was a life changing moment for me to witness the absurdity of this film on the big screen. What high art! At the 25th Anniversary showing of Pink Flamingos, I actually got to meet John Waters personally. A high honor in my book as I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling donut about celebrities. The only movie I have seen at the theater in the last five years was Wolverine, and it represented everything I hate about Hollywood. It was no Pink Flamingos. When other movie houses feature shit like Wolverine in 3D for fifteen bucks a ticket, the Nuart still shows films like Rocky Horror. This place should be declared a California Historical Landmark. I am glad it is still in business.