Bryan Kest Awesome Yoga

I recently came here again with my daughter for a class on Tuesday morning. I have gone into a lot of yoga places around town and have really wished that I had half an Oki Dog to put underneath the heater so that the people can sense my lack of approval for their phoniness. They may say namaste, but when you see how they treat the cleaning lady or fight you for a parking space over at Urth Cafe, it is enough to induce projectile vomiting. The people at Bryan Kest power yoga are for real. This is a seriously challenging, hardcore workout taught by people who are serene and willing to share true yoga with you. I am no expert on yogic philosophy and karma, but I don't think that studios that engage in litigation and attempt to assert ownership, dominion and control over yoga poses represent true yoga. In my lifetime, I have seen Santa Monica transform from a very compassionate and liberal place into one of the world's most gleaming examples of insidious capitalism. By requesting a donation after class, Bryan Kest Power Yoga may just be the only remnant of that great era in a sea of soulless places like the Border Grill and Design Within Reach.

Haiku to the Ancient Bristlecone Pine Forest

One of those places that exceeds the splendor of anything and everything manmade.

Roach Genocide at United Industries

The cockroach is an amazing animal. Perhaps the most amazing animal on earth. Certainly roach societies are better in many ways than human societies. They are more durable, humane, organized, efficient, and leave far less waste. Most importantly, they work together as a team and do not kill each other. Like the majority of Americans, they also eat garbage. When you see one in your kitchen, you had better believe that there are at least a thousand of them in your crawlspace. Roaches are positively thigmotactic. Think swarm. There are different types of roaches, but my building seems to be infested with the German and Oriental varieties. They are nocturnal. They wait for you to go to sleep and then raid your territory and contaminate your food supply. They watch you. They attack. They are not good for your asthma, either, that is for sure. This company manufacturers boric acid AKA roach kryptonite. It is relatively non-toxic to humans, but to roaches, it is death by chemical warfare. Attack back. Just dust it into your crawlspaces and put a fine layer in the cabinets and all over the kitchen. In a few days, the roaches will have eaten some of the deadly powder and have taken it back to their brethren. Prepare yourself, because for the next ten days, a thousand roaches are going to make a mad dash to your kitchen in a feeble attempt to recover from the effects of the boric acid that you have strategically placed in your kitchen. The Oriental ones will die first, but the German ones are a little tougher vill continue fighting and coming out of der bunker for a couple of extra days. Thanks to United Industries and their wickedly effective roach killer, you can stage your very own cockroach genocide. You can be a real cockroach Pol Pot.

Chill Out

I came here afterwork yesterday and occupied campsite #39 in Manzanita Loop. There were a total of three other parties in the entire campground and the experience could not have been anymore magnificent. My godson who is three had his very first camping experience was absolutely delighted with Chilao. He climbed around the boulders, explored the vicinity of our space, ate s'mores, hot dogs, sat around the fire, watched the stars, and collected pine cones and rocks. He could not have been any happier. We will both surely never forget this fantastic little trip. We saw blue jays, crows, squirrels, chipmunks, and a couple of red tailed hawks. The forest has come back since the Station Fire and looks much better than it did the last time I was here approximately two years ago when it looked like Downtown Grozny. It was a fine night to go to Chilao. The temperature was in the 60's all night and the moon and stars were just breathtaking. Instead of the sleeping in the tent, I put my air mattress in the middle of a clearing so I could get a better look at the stars and planets. I turned on a little Frank Zappa and had some cold ice water and crashed. I woke up at 4AM and took a leisurely two hour stroll in the moonlight. The burned trees in the moonlight reminded me of skeletons and the purple flowers of the poodle dog brush glowed like they were under a blacklight. The forest looked hopeful and like a war zone simultaneously. An owl's call and some crickets were the only sounds in the canyon. I went to some intense boulders on one end of the canyon south of the park and climbed to the top of the stack and carefully observed what was going on around me. Life can be exceedingly disappointing when you look at the big picture, but very grand indeed because of times like this.

Miller is for Fuckheads

Miller, the embalming fluid of beers, ought to be ashamed of themselves for sponsoring the Tools For Success Graduation award in our local community college automobile programs for several reasons. Firstly, the Miller Brewing Company produces dangerous, sub-standard products that contribute to numerous automobile accidents on a daily basis. Miller Beer is involved in hundreds if not thousands of automobile collisions every year and many of them are fatal. Alcohol manufacturers and automobile technology and repair should be mutually exclusive. Instead, we should force the alcoholic beverage industry to retrofit every existing automobile with an ignition interlock device and force the automotive industry to make this a standard feature on all new cars. Secondly, Miller targets the Tools for Success program at Latinos. Alcohol is simply a poison for people who are mestizo or indigenous with almost no exceptions, instantly addicting and frequently fatal. It is a terrible idea to drink any alcohol whatsoever if you are of Mexican descent. It is clearly a genetic condition that does not allow us to drink alcohol in moderation and without horrible consequences like other people. Miller should be ashamed of giving free tools away, and the winners should be ashamed of taking them. It is like targeting a group of people who are at risk of cancer and giving them a catalyst. Finally, community colleges are not an appropriate advertising platform for alcoholic beverages or other mind altering drugs. If anything, it should be a platform for educating people about the dangers of alcohol. Public schools should not participate in the program or allow Miller to distribute applications and paraphernalia with the Miller logo to its students or set up displays on campus. I know that it may seem like a big great philanthropic deal to have an alcohol manufacturer award a full cabinet of tools to an outstanding graduate of an automotive technology program, but if you consider it for a while, I am sure you can see how deceptive Miller truly is.

Bathroom Buddies and Park Pals at Ferndell

Almost every time that I have used the men's room here I have either been propositioned for sex by some deviant or a plainclothes LAPD Detective attempts to strike up a conversation with me when I am smack in the middle of urinating. I understand that people be horny, and cops got a quota to meet, but I am trying to take a piss before I start running on the trail, not engage in mutual masturbation in a shithouse at the park. Hey guys, there are these things called bathhouses all over the City where you can get your lewd conduct on to your heart's content, legally. The restroom here is not a motel, and I would like to remind certain people that it is fifty feet from the playground.

Lawrence Welk was an asshole

A lot of Poles come into my work and inevitably I start talking about food with them. I mention that I have been here and to the other more somber Polish restaurant in Santa Monica. They all tell me that Polish food in Los Angeles is marginal at best, and if you want to get some good Polish food, you have to go over to someone's house. One lady told me that Polka serves Polish food cooked by Guatemalans. I am waiting for an invitation. I came here and got a plate that had stuffed cabbage leaves, sausage, and about four or five other different things. The owner was really friendly, and offered me a can of beer. The food was prepared ahead of time, but it was tasty. I enjoyed each and every dish. When I read Yelp reviews from cities in the Rust Belt with a great selection of Eastern European restaurants I am green with envy. But this place is pretty good. Five stars? En tus suenos, guey! I had no idea that disgusting turd Guy Fieri did a show here. Someone needs to stuff an apple into that pig's mouth. Guy is the worst thing to happen to entertainment since the invention of the snuff film or perhaps the birth of Robin Williams. The cavalier way that he peddles that unhealthy lifestyle to America directly causes thousands of heart attacks annually. He is the younger, male version of that fat pig Paula Deen who's true crime is not being a racist (cause we all knew that anyway) but promoting a lifestyle of death to America on television. The Food Network has killed more Americans than Al Qaeda!