Friday, March 28, 2014

Kia Sedona: About the Shittiest Vehicle I Have Ever Driven

This review is based on the 2012 Kia Sedona minivan that I have been driving for the last month for work.  I have never driven another Kia product, and am not likely to ever drive one again if I can possibly avoid it.   This vehicle is an absolutely worthless, reprehensible, rolling hunk of shit.  I can't believe that it went into production.  

Firstly, I feel like a pedophile driving this thing around.  Even my daughter told me that when I drive it I look totally like a sex offender.  Then, expect about 11 miles per gallon.  Not bad for a 1974 Buick Electra, but for a modern vehicle without a V-8, it is merely comical.  Who the fuck designed this thing?  It runs and drives like some team of jackass engineers from Pyongyang reverse engineered a Toyota Previa.  It could quite possibly be the same team that reverse engineered a second generation SCUD into the Nodong Ballistic Missile.  It handles worse than a Yugo with two flat tires.  Once again, this thing is not just bad, but horrid.  Nothing is where it should be.  When you try and adjust the radio, it is inevitably going to cause a hazard.  The controls are placed so randomly it defies one's imagination.  On a real car made by real engineers like the Mazda Miata, all the controls are where they are supposed to be.  These guys should have taken some lessons in functionality from the much more serious and efficient Japanese who make real cars.  Not some tincan minivan made by North Koreans and one armed men like this thing.   Then there are the blind spots which make this thing truly unsafe.  It would make a good van to transport clowns to and fro the circus.  The Koreans seem to do a lot of things correctly, but they should really stay out of the automobile business.


3901 W 6th St
Los Angeles, CA 90020
(213) 249-9449


Not being from the East Coast, the word Whiz has different connotations to me so I was reluctant to enter this place.  Additionally, I am on a special diet that consists of 50% fresh vegetables and fruits, 40% Carbs and 10% Protein so I can't be eating like Chris Christie or Kirstie Alley or I am not going to be able to run very far now, am I?  One day per month, I defile the temple that is my body and eat some seriously unhealthy shit.  Today was that day, so I ordered the Italian Stallion Hoagie even though I am not an Italian.   I can usually find something wrong with anything, but this was a sandwich of excellence.  You know, I really felt like I had just smoked crack after I ate that hoagie.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Claro's Italian Deli

159 E College St
Covina, CA 91723
(626) 339-3333

Claro's Italian Market  

Categories: ItalianDelisCaterers 
3.0 star rating
Nice sandwich with a great sharp provolone and other quality ingredients. The bread, however, tasted worse than Soylent Green.  Excellent counter service with professional, polite people who made me feel quite welcome.  I had always thought that Covina was a village full of idiots limited to the automobile dealerships, dilapidated shopping malls, Friday's, and the Olive Garden parallel to the 10FWY.  I had no idea that there was a quaint little shopping district with killer antique stores and some nice Craftsman style homes located just a few blocks north.  I had been reading about Claro's on Yelp for a little while.   I was not disappointed, but I was not impressed either.  I feel that the sandwich offered at the Roma Deli is far superior.  While I did not have too much time to examine the contents of the grocery department, what I saw sure looked good.

A Good Tailor Shop

827 S Main St
Los Angeles, CA 90014
(213) 622-9942

Mike's Tailor Shop  

Category: Sewing & Alterations
Neighborhood: Downtown LA
A suit always feels like a straightjacket to me.  A tie, like a hangman's noose.  I'm not into dress shoes, and not qualified to discuss fashion.  My oldest brother is a clothes horse and in my late 40's, I still inherit his hand me downs.  He recently gave me a black Armani suit and and a dark blue one from Nordstrom's.  He mentioned something about a high price tag, something about the fabric and some other incomprehensible babble .  He also gave me a white suit which I immediately threw in the trash.

Mike has been tailoring my straightjackets ever since 1982.  I took in those two suits my brother gave me, and he had both of them pinned up in just a few minutes.  He had to take quite a bit of fabric off, and make the suits significantly smaller as well as tapering and hemming the pants.  When I came to pick them up and tried them on, I was really impressed with the way they fit.  They are like perfect custom tailored suits that I could wear to any event.  My wife liked my custom tailored straightjacket so much when I tried it on for her that she promptly unbuttoned and unzipped it.

I paid 135 for the alterations on both suits.  It was a little steep, but they did such a good job, it was money well spent  Mending is better than ending.  Get your older brother to hand you down a suit and take it here.  You are going to like the way your straightjacket fits.

Israeli Street Food on Melrose

7422 Melrose Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90046
(323) 944-0013

Ta-eem Grill  

Categories: MediterraneanKosher
Neighborhood: Fairfax
4.0 star rating
The laffa is about the size of Chris Christie's lunch hoagie.  You could cut it in half and still satisfy two hungry people of normal girth and body weight.  The food is tasty, but I would had preferred to have the option of ordering a smaller laffa because this thing was overkill. The salads tasted fresh, but were a little heavy on the oil.  I got the eggplant tomato, hummus, babaghanoush, and some cucumber and tomato salad.  The chicken was good, crispy, well seasoned, not too salty, and well seasoned with "secret" shawerma spices.  Once again, too much meat.  The salads and harissa were included in the 10 price tag. What stood out more than the food was the great service.  The owner came up and brought me some additional sauces, and inquired as to whether I was enjoying my meal.  I appreciated his concern and he seemed like a cool cat .  I can't wait to return to try the falafel.  As for the location, if you are familiar with this area, you will know that it is very short on parking.  Save yourself a headache and walk or take the bus.  Pretty damn good street food, not the healthiest food around, but much better than a cheesesteak or burger and nutritious and well seasoned to boot.

Super King

7227 Van Nuys Blvd
Van Nuys, CA 91405
(818) 464-432

Super King Market  
Category: Grocery
Neighborhood: Van Nuys
Maybe you are not one of the anointed ones who can afford to spend $4.00 on a bunch of beets, or are able to pay five or six times for tomatoes than I do.  I avoid the Valley like the ebola, and it was just plain weird that I found myself in that area yesterday on a work assignment.  Although I am a Los Angeles Native Son, I have not spent much time in the Valley at least since the late 1970's and the early 1980's.  I remember going to Phases Nightclub, Gozilla's in Sun Valley, as well as the now defunct Busch Gardens and other landmarks long gone.  I have gone to the Valley maybe three dozen times since 1986, mostly to eat Middle Eastern food.

The Valley of the 1970's is a blurry figment of our lame memories.  It has instead become this giant, decaying shithole with traffic and super global warming.  But there is the occasional gem of a place like Super King.

If you are a vegetarian, you would be surprised at how many meals you can buy at this market for 20 bucks.  I figure about nine (9) meals, and gourmet ones at that.

Asparagus: .99/lb.  green, fresh, and identical to the 2.99 asparagus at Von's
Cluster Tomatoes .59/lb instead of 1.59 at Ralphs
Beets (small red) .79 per bunch
Dill .50
Persian Cucumbers .59/lb
Italian Squash 1.00/4 lbs

You will find all kinds of other great stuff such as dried fruits, nuts and seeds.  I was totally impressed with this market.  It would be worth the drive from K-Town.  High praises!

One of the Best Chicken Kebabs I Have Ever Tried

1135 W Glenoaks Blvd
Glendale, CA 91202
(818) 500-4005

Cafe Bravo  

Categories: Middle EasternMediterranean
Neighborhood: Glendale
They say hunger makes the best sauce.  Plato is the person originally credited with the quote, and sometimes it is attributed to Miguel de Cervantes.  Whoever said it was a pretty smart fucker.  See, I had been at Brand Park a little earlier with my wife completing a very difficult and lengthy run with lots of elevation gain and loss.  I was so famished by the time we finished that I probably would have eaten Filipino food.  Luckily, I drove by here and saw about ten people leaving with takeout while I waited at the traffic light.  So thankfully I parked and we came in because this place has one of the best chicken kebabs I have ever tasted.  It is boneless and skinless dark and white meat marinated in what I suspect may be dilaudid, expertly grilled by someone who has a lot of broiler experience.  Brillat-Savarin was correct. Grilling chicken perfectly is an artistic feat no less delicate than a charcoal drawing by Goya.  Or a Harvard-trained cosmetic surgeon performing a magnificent breast enhancement and racheting up sagging vagina so it no longer hangs like sleeve of wizard.  These guys have PhD in grilling chicken.  I chose eggplant and tomato salad, tabouleh and rice.  The eggplant was good and the tabouleh was fresh.  I ordered it with an extra kebab and it was a hell of a lot of quality, healthy food for the ridiculously low price of ten bucks.   My wife got a gyro sandwich which actually was two sandwiches with Chris Christie approved quantities of two different salads.  Fuck yeah.