Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Seen better days.

A hefty dose of trash from Los Angeles' past, these four places just will not die:

1. Pink's Hot Dogs 709 N La Brea Ave Los Angeles, CA 90038 (323) 931-4223 Getting food here is like being assaulted with a deli weapon. It should be codified in the California Penal Code as a felony. It is absolutely reckless, just insidious to serve this fecal matter to people. Landmark my ass. More like skidmark

 2. Tam O'Shanter 2980 Los Feliz Blvd Los Angeles, CA 90039 (323) 664-0228 I come here on occasion for business dinners. Without fail, the hostess will always tell us that Walt Disney used to sit here. That fucktard was inspired by the architecture here when he thought up Disneyland. The food is bland, a study of mediocrity, a glorified Swanson Hungry ManTV Dinner. Vegetables, especially the creamed spinach, are decent. The place needs a deep cleaning. It smells like the floor of the Viper Room in here.

3. Musso & Frank Grill 6667 Hollywood Blvd Hollywood, CA 90028 (323) 467-7788 If nostalgia means puking up gin a few hours after you leave this place along with some toast points, then you are gonna get a hefty dose of nostalgia here. If you do not drink alcohol, and frown on the food available at the Circus Circus Buffet in Reno served by waiters in red monkey suits then you will not want to drop one hundred bucks on Welsh Rarebit. With that said, Mario the bartender will expertly facilitate your drunkening with a martini (with sidecar) by which all martinis should be judged. You can close your eyes and inhale the stench of this old carpet, and you can almost picture W.C. Fields pissing on your leg in the bathroom or Gloria Swanson trying to grab your wiener at the bar.

4. El Cholo 1121 S Western Ave Los Angeles, CA 90006 (323) 734-2773 Every dog has its day best describes how I feel about this place. Lots of people have been doing lots of things for many years. Take working as a prosecutor, for instance. I once knew an elderly prosecutor who worked at the Glendale Courthouse, and he had been scrubbing out toilets and kissing a lot of hairy bean bag since the 1920's, just like the kitchen staff at El Cholo. How special! The watered down canned tomato based salsa is a harbinger of the mediocre combo plates to come. If you grew up in LA, you know what I am talking about. The #1 and the #2. Here, you are mostly going to find a lot of #2. For all of those people who live nearby or attend clown college at USC, you don't have to look too far to get a better and cheaper pseudo-Mexican meal. What is up with all the high ratings for this place?

The oppressive heat is no excuse to weasel your way out of exercising!

Get on the trail and stop making excuses. Drink plenty of water, and eat a couple of bananas. Take at least an additional liter of water per person. Today, I decided to tackle Griffith Park from the Western end of Ferndell. Just walk a couple of hundred yards past the kid's playground and keep to the left. There are several ways to speed this section up the best was is to just start running slowly and bear right past the sycamores to a little trail that will take you straight up the ridge and finish up at those picnic tables just below the road. Cross the street, and head up the hill and soon you will be at the bridge. Keep on going up, breathe through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Keep hydrated. Take a look at the panoramic views and the inevitable pair of raven soaring overhead.
Once you get to the top take a look around and start heading down at once Pick up the pace a little bit and scan the trail ten feet in front of you. Let gravity carry you down the hill, and do not stop. Breathe and keep hydrated. Run at 3/4 speed until you get to the picnic area. Stretch for at least 15 minutes before heading to your car. Face it, it must have taken you a couple of years to get into bad shape, and it will probably take you at least a year to start seeing good results. You have to eat whole foods also! Working out alone is not enough. It is a lot of work. If you want to keep fit, you are going to need to do this run at least five days a week pushing yourself each and every time. You can go in the morning, or in the evening, it does not matter as long as you do it. It does not get easier, ever. Park your car across Los Feliz Blvd. so you don't get a parking ticket, and so that you don't cut any corners like a cheating bastard. There is another way to get a really good workout and that is by going up the steep hill to the right of the ever popular fire road leading up to the Observatory out of Ferndell. Run up this hill if you want to work your body the fuck out and fill each and every cell in your body with rich oxygen and nutrients. When you get to the top of the first steep hill, run like hell down the slope until you can barely take it anymore. Try to make yourself run up the next hill. Then the next one. And so on. After running this trail every day, I feel like 98% of my problems have been solved. I feel great, and look 10 years younger. Trail running even makes my hair grow back in a lush and shiny manner. I suspect that you will probably get the same results. I did it, and you can, too!

The Best Roasted Chicken in Los Angeles

Some people say that Zankou has the best chicken in Los Angeles, but those people are fucktards. I don't care what god you pray to up in heaven, but there is one thing for certain, he buys his roasted chicken from Pollos Ala Brasa on Western and 8th in Koreatown. Not only does Pollos have the best Pollos, but some damn good french fries as well. Skin on, thick cut, fresh potatoes which are fried to order. Not only is this the best roasted chicken, it is also without a doubt, the cheapest place to feed your family in a one hundred mile radius. Back in the Summer of 1998, I took an extended vacation to Peru, and determined that the very best thing about the trip was the Peruvian Food. Not only the perfect roasted chicken and fries available on any corner, but the magnificent variety of ceviche, fresh seafoods, and anticuchos that are so good that they can bring a tear to a grown man's eye. But one does not need to travel to a different hemisphere to fill up on wood fired chicken. Pollos Ala Brasa has a half a chicken, fries and a fresh salad for just under ten dollars. The chicken is smokey all the way to the bone, and the Aji served on the side is a wonderful and spicy addition to this great meal. You are going to thank me later!